Maybe it’s the fact it was Father’s Day weekend, maybe it’s due to the overly parental on-field encouragement from yours truly or maybe it’s heat delirium - but this week’s match felt like a children’s story. And so…

We start, as we always do, at the beginning. Who’s this coming to say hello? It’s Jedder Wedder! Hello, Jedder Wedder. (He waves)

Jedder Wedder likes to win a toss. Don’t you, Jedder Wedder? (He nods)

That’s good! And you won again this time, didn’t you? (He shakes his head)

Oh dear! Well, as long as you try your best, that’s all that matters. (He shrugs and lights a fag)

Let’s say goodbye to Jedder Wedder for now, because it’s time for the game to begin! And how many overs do we have to bat with? Fifty, you say? That’s a good guess, boys and girls…but no. We will not be batting for fifty overs. Why, you ask? Just because, stop asking questions.

Now here come our openers, Big Noz and Little Noz. See Little Noz have a big swish at an inviting ball on a length. See it fly into the slips hands. See Gentle Ben come in at 3.

And look boys and girls, he has a poem for us:
Gentle Ben tries hard.
But he struggles to get a hit.
Gentle Ben played across a straight one.
Because Gentle Ben bats like … someone who isn’t batting well at the minute. Say goodbye to Gentle Ben boys and girls!

It’s OK, because here comes Azeem the (Innings) Builder. Can he fix it? Yes he can!

Azeem and Big Noz are batting well.
Everything looks great.
Until Noz went to hit one over midwicket.
When it was actually going straight.

Scooby Dhruv is up next. And he’s definitely had his Scooby Snacks. Look at him go, boys and girls - he’s going really well here. But Zoiks - what’s happened to Azeem the Builder?

He’s gone for a bit of a wander.
He’s halfway down the wicket.
But the ump has his finger up.
He didn’t hear him snick it.

Jinkies - he would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for all the oppo’s pesky appealing!

Jaconory was in next, but he didn’t get very long to tell his story before the ump’s itchy trigger finger went up again. Yes boys and girls, he did have some new words for us to learn. And no, we won’t be repeating them.

While the batting was going on, we almost lost one of our band - it was our own Finding Nicko. We looked high, we looked low, we couldn’t find him anywhere. We should have known to check the groundskeeping gadgets in the corner. And we should have known better than to ask what he’d found (a sprinkler on wheels apparently).

Back to the batting, where we had lost Scooby Dhruv to a dolly catch, and now had Steffa Pig and Finding Nicko at the crease. And what does Steffa Pig like more than muddy puddles? Giving catching opportunities! After a couple of handy boundaries, what do you think he did, boys and girls? Finding Nicko equally found himself Nicko-ing off to be caught behind, and Syeedy Gonzalez was quietly going about his business with a tidy batting display too until his untimely wicket.

Which left our very own Chucklebrothers (ask your parents) as our last pair. I don’t mean this to be unkind, they were batting very well. It was more how Dangerous Dave and Jedder Wedder were about to do the perfect impression of them with their calling: To me. To you. Is it one run, or is it two? (Well it definitely wasn’t two by the time Jedders decided to go for it!). Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. A run-out to finish the innings.

So what have we learned, boys and girls? Yes, everyone DOES get a bat at Eaton Bray. Isn’t that special? And what else have we learned? That there probably isn’t two runs when the ball is right next to the fielder. Well done!

So the batting was all over,
Would 184 be enough?
Did we have the fight left in us?
Are we made of sterner stuff?

Now then boys and girls, Dangerous Dave is a friendly chap isn’t he? Apart from when he’s hurling a ball at you from 22 yards away and he’s just had an LBW turned down the ball before. Then - as you’ll see - he’s going to knock your middle stump out. A fantastic start to get us off and running at 0-1.

At the other end, you couldn’t stop Syeedy Gonzalez. Andalez! Andalez! Wicket! Wicket! First a catch, from a frustrated batsman who could only Find Nicko’s chest rather than the rope. Next ball, Syeedy left an inviting one for their captain to flash at straight into Big Noz’s hands at gully. Hattrick ball - Arriba! Arriba! It wasn’t to be, but soon to follow was a bizarre scoop turned stumping - with a canny bit of keeping by Jaconory. And then a catch to Gentle Ben at cover.

They were 14-5, boys and girls. Usually this would be a good time to get some more wickets. But no, that wouldn’t make a very good story would it. It wasn’t until after drinks that another wicket would fall - Jedders bowled a half-tracker that the oppo batsman launched high into the air. It had snow on it by the time it descended, and Steffa Pig was waiting. Let’s count together how many times he tried to catch it…one catch, two catches, three catches. Yay! He caught it!

Now boys and girls, it’s nice to get a compliment isn’t it? And we’re an encouraging lot at Eaton Bray. So after a keen bit of fielding by Steffa Pig who listened to a call on the field, Gentle Ben was quick to enthuse “Good listening!” which - it was observed - was better encouragement for a five-year-old. And what’s the difference between us and five-year-old’s playing cricket you ask, boys and girls? Very, very little.

Time was running out,
Jedder Wedder was running out of bowlers,
Anyone seen Finding Nicko anywhere?
He’s probably checking out their rollers.

Steffa Pig went for some runs,
But their batter met his match,
When he hoofed one too many,
And Big Noz could take the catch.

Their last threatening batsman was running out of puff in the hot sun. So it was time for Dangerous Dave to come back. Earlier in the day he’d been given out, but was brought back as he’d given it a big edge. But as we’ve established boys and girls, Dangerous Dave doesn’t get mad, he gets even. He huffed, and he puffed, and he blew away the batters stumps. And don’t worry boys and girls, Dangerous Dave is shouting very, very loudly just because he’s happy.

The last pair stuck around for a little longer, before Jaconory had another cheeky stumping in him to round off the day.

Goodness me, boys and girls. What an exciting adventure that was. And shouldn’t we say, what nice people Old Finchleians were - a good game, against nice opponents.

And what’s the moral of the story? Yeah I don’t know either. It’s too hot. But a wins a win, and on we go to the next one. We win by 29 runs.